sponge mind

If the mind is a sponge, mine is a hyperabsorbant one that I never really seem to be able to wring out.

Lately I’ve been taking more “nothing” breaks which has been helping.

I’ve been taking a lot more time to really allow myself to heal from burnout in general, and it’s been working. I have the tendency to believe I’m suddenly fixed when the burnout lightens a little. Then I spend whatever energy I suddenly find myself with only to end up in a more intense burnout.

This sort of pendulum swing would happen in more extreme ways before I knew that my brain had a special way of operating that the world didn’t teach me about. Even with a degree in brain science, I struggled to function in this world in the way I was supposed to, which also happened to be the way I wanted to. I suspected it was depression and so I did all the wholistic things one should do for depression: exercise, socialize, work hard, eat well, sleep well, and of course they did wonders for my well being, but they didn’t really solve my problem.

Even at my peak I felt like I was treading water endlessly. Sometimes it felt like I was in a turbulent ocean, taking slaps from waves and struggling not to gulp down salt water. At best it was placid, but I was still treading water.

I tried everything I could. Entheogens, moving to foreign countries, making new friends, backpacking across borders, meditation retreats, yoga. They all helped, and showed me parts of myself I had no idea existed. None of them, however seemed to get to something that felt rooted more deeply in my being.

I would have never guessed that self diagnosis could do so much for a person. I know this is a very controversial thing to say, and I have a ton to say about it but I won’t right now.

All I can say at this point is … I’ve tried to seek diagnosis. I was dismissed by adults when I first though I was autistic at sixteen. I also was still living at home and wasn’t yet struggling as much as I later would. At twenty three I was very burnt out and realized I had ADHD but thought the only help I would get would be stimulants, and for all I know I might have been right. It came up again a few times in later years, but it was mostly met with incredulity, because I DON’T LOOK OR ACT autistic.

Lately, I’ve been meeting with a Psychologist, and I might be eligible for an ADHD screening but a referral for an autism assessment is apparantly more difficult to get even though I’ve asked for it. All that is beside the point.

I want to talk about self diagnosis, because self diagnosis was the key that led me to understanding myelf and my nervous system in detail. All the books I read and videos I watched clicked so easily in a brain that can barely get through an episode of Young Sheldon without subtitles and rewinding. These resources I found, all through the internet, were like reading a guidebook to my freak of nature mind. I’m still dealing with that freak stigma, but it’s getting better.

Self diagnosis led to self understanding, a subject I am not unaware of, being a student of the Upanishads. Self diagnosis delivered pieces of the puzzle that years of meditation, contemplating non-duality were never going to bring… not if I wanted to avoid living in a cave or a monastery. Jury’s out on that one, it could happen.

Self diagnosis brought me methodology for living in the world we live in with the brain I have. It brought the instruction manual.

I am so relieved. I am also still experiencing the weight of burnout, but lately I’ve been noticing lots of signs of my recovery. I went to the beach the first time this summer yesterday. Oh, it’s fall already?

I’ve been leaving the house more than once a week. I’ve been able to exercise more often. The energy tracking is working. The weighted blanket, the noise cancelling headphones, the stim toys are working.

I have hope again, which is something that I almost lost.

I have the hope that I’ll be able to function a little more normally again soon. I can feel tension that has been in my body since childhood, slowly melting away as the weeks go by. I’m having fewer meltdowns, and when they do happen they are tapering in severity. My focus is returning, as are my coordination and memory.

I will get through this.